Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
