Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
