i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
