there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
