I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
