Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Green mimosas i think yes
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
