Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
