i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
