Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
