Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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