i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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