should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
