I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
