Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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