im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
