he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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