well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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