good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
