I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
