Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
