I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
