Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
