the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
