I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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