broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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