update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There are leaves in my underwear?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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