my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
