i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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