Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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