Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
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i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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