Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I looked at my own cervix.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
