twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
