I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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