Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
