Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
