Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
