you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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