Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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