she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
