My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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