She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
