He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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