dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
