If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
