before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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