guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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