I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
