After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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