Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
