Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
