my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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