i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
