How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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