guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
