omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am naked and annoyed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
