The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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