Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
