Ambien. No doubt about it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
