I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
