I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Randomize
