New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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